Rising from the Ashes

I'm slightly amazed that this blog is still getting page views (even though minus this post I literally haven't touched it for years). As such I've decided to revamp this rusty old blog and rework it into something I might actually post on again.

Meanwhile, my other blog which I'm running for a web writing course I'm taking is Uninvolved Dog Training. I discuss ways to train dogs to do things (the main goal/purpose) and since there's currently a litter of Keeshond puppies being raised I'm including some puppy pictures with each post because they're just too adorable.

I just can't believe that my last post on this blog was seriously before I started college and now I'm weeks from graduating, creepy.

Waiting for College... Impatiently

So after not gaining a tangible thing from all the time and stress that stemmed from trying to get a International Baccalaureate, I'm now onto the search and buy process for my dorm room. I have a international student as my  roommate.. also known as I won't know anything about them till I meet them the first week of school. So far I've bought a cute black ottoman (cube with a bunch of storage inside), which is currently enjoying holding all my library books so my mom can't tell how many I have. I've also gotten my bedding set (yay grey flowers) though I need to find a colorful decorative pillow since grey would drive my mind insane.

Also two days ago I found a snake in my bathroom (I was home alone to make it worse). I was just leaving the bathroom after doing my hair and heard that horrid noise on the linoleum-- I still can't go in that room mentally. Currently no matter which restroom/bathroom I use I check around the toilet before sitting down, I'm completely paranoid, it's terrible. Keep in mind snakes are my worst nightmares. Sure we don't have any poisonousness killer snakes up here, and it was only a grey gardener snake and not even a really big one at that. Still imagine yourself in my shoes, I'd never seen a ... snake inside the house before. Let alone on the second floor of the house, the species scares me to death beyond words. It's still early and I absolutely HATE mornings, I hear that sound on the linoleum (I'll remember that sound for decades), I spin around--- screaming at the top of my lungs--- I see a foot or so of the dark grey tail push out from behind the toilet. Still screaming at the top of my lungs I run out of the bathroom. I slam the door. I run downstairs and pick up my cell and call my parents and tell them what's going on (they were at lunch), my dad laughed at me and told me to cover the hole below the door with towels so he couldn't escape (which I promptly did against my wishes -- didn't want to be anywhere near that door). At that point my dad said to just deal and wait for a few hours till they got home... I started planning my escape to the mall for the day. But then my mom called back with the phone number to the neighbors who can stand the nasty creatures, so I called the number and they came and removed the creature. Since then I can't bring myself to go into that room minus grabbing my tooth brush/paste and rushing back out.

So then yesterday it had been a good five months since Razza (my beloved dog) had destroyed a pair of my ear phones (before that she had been going a pair a month) apparently she hasn't outgrown that obsession like I thought she had... so yes time to buy yet another pair of ear phones.

Picking the Pen And Journal Up Again

It's been quite a while since I've written poetry, mainly due to my obsession with writing when I'm in a half dream state late at night. Since my definition of "late night" means somewhere around 3am that hasn't exactly been the best for my writing, so I've been slowly working my way back to more like midnight. Here's last night stuff:

Nightbird
In the daylight she inhales,
As well as exhales,
But is never quite all there...
She smiles,
She frowns,
And she also rolls her eyes,
But it never quite feels right.
The daylighters run to and fro,
She leans back and does errands,
Still waiting for the clock to chime,
To chime at 10 signaling her night,
Late enough for retreat,
To escape for her few brief hours,
Nearly always she is safe,
Getting her few scarce hours,
But not today,
On top of her many errands,
The morning bird catches the night,
Forcing the nightbird out of her element,
She squacks,
She caws,
She even hoots,
But nothing can bring back the lost
Night.

Only a few weeks left...

I just completed my fourth IB subject's tests, still two subjects to go, but it's just Biology and Japanese (okay I'm a bit scared of the Japanese writing). And after next Friday (the last day of testing), I have prom xD. We're pairing with another small school, because well both schools are too small to feasibly rent a place. I love my short violet poofy dress and our whole grade (all 16 of us that are going to prom that is) are riding in a limo together to get there from dinner at a friend's house then we also have the limo to get back to a dropping location :). These last three years are such a blur, it's like the last three years were one school year, and it just seems flat out strange to be graduating within simply weeks... I just filled out my senior will, and in between hating on rolling backpacks (really now people note the "back" part), and laughing about the juniors being left the ungodly hours between 1am and 5am for essay writing, it really hit me. If I had been by myself when I wrote it I think I would have legitimatly broken down, but since I was with friends I just kinda laughed off the realization. The last two weeks I've literally only been at school an average of two hours each day to take a IB test, maybe one or four depending on the day. I'm excited that after four years of this school to finally get to senior pranks... and since we're the first graduating class it's obvious we have to leave with a boom, we need a legacy and we won't settle for less xD.

Poetry Rant

I had about three hours free where I just went from poem to poem, these are posted in the order they were written. Hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed writing them.


Me
Leave me be,
I guess I got my wish,
Soaring above hearing rumors of this that and everything else,
Knowing that no matter what happened in the past all I can do is feel the wind rush through my hair,
How can anyone say they understand anyone,
If you're not in their head it's simply not possible,
Nice knowing you--
Cause I'm embarking on my only trail,
Follow me if you will,
But I'm sure as heck not gonna let anyone else control me.
Leave me be,
And I might consider doing the same for you.
This tongue speaks no lies today,
So listen hard and listen true.
For I only say this once,
I love being me,
Don't screw it up.

Frankenstein
What've I done now.
I've made a monster,
Created a disaster waiting to happen.
I could've had it all...
But this is what I get instead,
Thanks life,
Just out of reach,
Tormenting me every second of every minute,
I do this to myself,
With no end in sight,
So many options,
But I chose this one,
Says a lot doesn't it,
Get me out of here,
It shouldn't be hard considering how easy it was to jump...
I miss---
I miss the way things used to go,
Dreaming of a return
but I shouldn't have been so optimistic,
There never really was a chance,
And we all knew it,
So here I am--
Picking up the pieces,
Doing all I can in the face of defeat,
I'm an idiot sometimes,
And wish there was a reset button on life,
Go back about a decade and become a whole different person...
How many things did I burn without even thinking,
I truly hate myself sometimes,
Time to face the music,
And walk to reality,
Never thinking twice,
Sheer instinct leading the way from here on out,
Watch me go,
For you'll never catch me.

Falsified Future is the prologue to the rest
Falsified Future
So much passed me
When my eyes were fluttering open and shut,
As I dreamt of what could be,
What should have been--
How could I ever have let this happen?
So much was going for me,
I held the future in my hands effortlessly,
And you tore me apart,
From the inside out...
Just let me sit here holding myself together,
Hoping no one will walk by and notice,
I'm sick of acting
So many promises,
Falling apart before my eyes,
The kid mumbling that they're done with their homework...
The soul muttering about their lost hopes,
Drifting lost aimless running into walls.
There was a point where she would have given anything--
Anything just to know what really happened,
But all the people would say was that she wasn't ready.
But she was.
And they knew it,
But they weren't.
Embrace the truth,
So much is lost to falsification.
Feel the sweet tendrils of neon lights lick the eyes of every existence,
Be they young, old,
Pale or dark,
Just know that gradients are existent,
And we will never be free.
Her eyes flicker shut.

Part I
Electricity
The electrical current runs down her spine
Pain echoed only in her eyes.
She doesn't know where to go, who to turn to
All there is is the knowledge that nothing is changing today.
Words bounce around her skull
"Why bother... No one likes me, they look at me with pitying eyes
They stutter out half true words hoping that I'm too stupid..."
Just to know how the world spins.
The current is unending--
A constant reminder of the pain,
The anxiety the pounds against her soul every moment,
They never help her,
Never stop to hold her up and tell her how wonderful she is,
She would be satisfied for life just to know she means something to someone.
How could they,
All she knew was the chill--
The chill that constantly rocked her body,
Tormenting her slowly pulling her to edge,
She never gave completely in,
But oh-
How she danced on that edge,
She danced with such grace and ferocity that the town turned up,
Eyes as large as gulf balls,
And as cold and old as the forgotten bag of golf balls long retired,
Left to rot in the garage with the spiders.
Just turn to her and say the words to make it all right,
You know you could help her,
The electricity short wired rocks through her nerves again.
Help her,
For no matter how she tries,
She can't escape on her own.

Part II
Maze
Hurried she rushes out the door,
Rushing into a new decision
Praying something new is in the works,
Something stops her.
The door vibrates,
Telekinetically forcing her backward,
Back into the old traps--
Running around the loss is everywhere,
Her grandfather dieing early,
He meant so much to her not that she'd ever admit it.
Her friendships that were never meant to last,
She was simply standing in...
All she wants is to get out--
And all the windows are barricaded,
And glass would be her end.
For everything she is she can't stand
The possibility of looking the truth in the eye,
So the glass made windows are out of the question,
She walks around with so many hidden qualities
All in an effort to be normal...
What is normal anyway?
He looks at her with eyes that could shoot across her sky like a shooting star.
But the fear consumes him.
And he falls out of her hands as swiftly as hot sand
All it would have taken is one step forward
And a single sentence from him,
But it was too much,
He's just like all the rest...
Despite her dreams.
Hope drains out of her eyes as she falls back into the cold wood.

Part III
Nightmares
How could he
After everything he had told her?
He held her and smiled at her,
Whatever tickled her pink...
Poppies the lush color of red,
Bleeding into the background,
Grinning back at her,
Her attention returns to the main subject by preference...
Why couldn't even this place go her way,
The creepy organisms all around,
But he's here--
So this must be right,
And nothing can be worse that it was.
So things must be looking up right?
He shakes his head.
But this is my damn dream she screeches,

You can ruin my life
You can ruin my hopes.
You can destroy my future.
But my dreams you will never touch,
I will hold my stake in my domain,
And never back down...
The poppies burst and dissolve into the death and loss,
Bloody death now evident to even the slowest being,
Nothing held back,
But you were supposed to help me,
They told me so...
Nothing was as it was how it should be,
And she knew it.
All he knew was that she wasn't his issue.
Help her they screamed
....
No replies reach her ears,
No replies help her get up to sing her wishes.
Would it kill them to give her some hope
She dreams on,
Despite the nightmares tainting her brainwaves.

Part IV
Waking up
Gritting her teeth all she can think about is that there must be some way,
Some reprieve.
There is no other option,
It just must.
A lasting reminder shakes her frame again,
The anxiety getting to her soul--
And there's nothing to be done but try harder.
Sing her graces for she went on,
Went on when no one else could,
How could anyone do it but sheer will,
Beauty.
Pausing to glance down at her hands and say one last thing to her nay-sayers--
Goodbye
She runs up to her roof by means of kicking out the glass in her sister's room.
Opening her eyes for the first time
The neighbors' eye brows shoot up,
Amazed by her new found confidence and conviction...
Rain begins to pound,
Forcing everyone back indoors.
Besides her,
The one finally embracing reality in its purest form.
She sits there unshaking,
Unmoved by the frozen pelts of liquid,
The mostly unharmed liquid,
Some of it knowably full of man-made toxins released into the air,
But it's real.
And that's all that mattered,
As she stood up and rose her face to the clouds,
No one else knew how she did it.
Working against gravity it was,
But something changed in her,
Power no one else had ever known.

Part V
Knowledge
As she looks down towards the ground
She realizes that she can leave,
She can run,
But the the electricity will follow her--
Continue to tear her soul into pieces,
Pieces that even an expert puzzle solver wouldn't know what to do with.
He did this to her,
He slowly but swiftly collapsed her dreams,
Saying nothing but saying everything,
Everything that would destroy her,
How could he...
All she wanted was to dream,
To reach for the stars and possibly come back happy--
Was that too much of her to ask?
They don't think so,
But he did.
She jumps.
Feeling the euphoria of oxygen and rain,
Keeping her human,
Keeping her real,
They smile sadistically out their windows.
Taking her first step hoping she didn't harm herself too badly,
Things finally feel right,
Just right.
Her life is her's,
No one else has anything that doesn't belong to them in her mind,
And she's ready to move on and leave the torment,
And pain behind her,
The anxiety won't ever leave her system,
But everything considered she's willing to put up with it.
Life is about knowing who you are and working with it,
Finally things were inline,
They could be better but it beat how things could have been,
She'll take it.
Finally there's room to dream,
And move forward she shall,
But forgetfulness is not in her system,
And it won't ever be.

School

Oh lookie a hole in the BSD internet security, they don't block blogger. So here we go a nice little reflection.

In the Long Run
We are all prisoners of ourselves,
As we walk down the pathway,
Being all they expect from us,
The truth is too much for them,
As they eat up the lies readily,
Continuing to live in their fantasy world,
Which may seem better in the short run,
But it eats you up in the long run,
Trust me,
Been there,
Got the T-shirt,
Won't be going back for a return trip,
As I can now clearly see the bliss in honesty,
But it's still not in reach,
Safety is safe,
It's nice and predictable,
Even if it could be better in theory,
So we stay here in our pile of lies,
Still swimming.

Japanese Oral Presentation

Hem the passing time music came on as we did our last practice run-through (it was chaotic to say the least).

もしもしグレさんのおたくですか。Hello, is this (my name's) residence?

はい、話す。これはだれがいますか。Yes, speaking. Who is this?

私の名前はヘイリーです。明日のしゅくだいは何ですか。My name is (her name). What is tomorrow's homework?

明日のしゅくだいはたくさんがあります。Tomorrow's homework is a lot.

そうですか。日本語のしゅくだいは何がいりますか。Is that so. what Japanese homework do we need tomorrow?

明日はウイークエンドあります。 Tomorrow is the weekend.

来週のげつ曜日に日本語のしゅくだいは何ですか。Do we have any Japanese homework on next week's Monday?

げつ曜日は A日あります。日本語のきょうしつはB日です。Monday is a "A" day. We have Japanese class on B days.

そうですか。火曜日の日本語のきょうしつにしゅくだいは何が　いりますか。Is that so. What Japanese homework do we need for tuesday?

火曜日のしゅくだいは漢字のパケトーとレソーン六をいります。Tuesday's homework is the workbook lesson 6 and the kanji packet.

すごい。とても少ししゅくだいをする。Wow. Very little to do.

えええと。ヘイリーさんはうそずきです。 Ummm. You are lieing.

がんばったね。Good luck, you can do it.

じゃね。Bye.

じゃね。Bye.