Monday, January 11, 2010

To Write an Essay (the humorous approach--)

*First of all a quick disclaimer that following the below might not be the best for your paper's grade.

So your least favorite teacher assigned you an essay, what to do about it? The initial decision that needs to be made is to either:
A)Attempt to focus your inner witch or jedi and destroy the knowledge that it was ever in fact assigned.
B)Realizing that the essay isn't going to self destruct or write its self you open up the word document icon and stare blankly at the white screen with the interesting toolbar.
C)Try to magically make the paper write its self, and or make some little nerdy kid (well not little since you want a good grade...)

Assuming that you went with the more realistic approach of option B (if you chose either A or C... may the force be with you, against all logic), you now need to decide what to fill all that empty space with. And since a little structure wouldn't be a bad idea you hit the tab button and start to think about what this essay's focus will be. Now that you are once again drawing up blank (I know you were), go type your topic into google.com, scan through the brief statements from each of the first ten sites (if they look even somewhat part of your original statement), and since google.com just failed you, you now turn to microsoft's new search engine= http://www.bing.com and retype in your focus for your essay (don't take me literally and type "focus for your essay" :P). Now that the lovely bing engine just gave you something to write about for a decent bit of your assigned essay you begin tap tap tapping away on your keyboard.

As you continue to type you leave behind massive errors as your once structured essay turns into a long rant (not unlike this one I might add). So you throw in a new paragraph from time to time to make it look better than it really was...

Getting frustrated and wanting to be done with the essay sooner rather than later you begin to type in your complaints into the essay in a snappy way that seems more intelligent than it really is. Hoping your teacher will laugh at your use of wit and humor (well I guess wit can be considered humor :P).

Now that you (the ever so intelligent and witty writer) have written what you consider to be a introduction, and body of the essay you pause. Glancing upward and highlighting the words and hitting the extremely useful word count button you SCREAM as you realize you're no where near the allotted 2,000 words you needed... Oh joy. Rereading over your rambling and sometimes thoughtful strings of words you begin to add in sentences rephrasing the sentence before them for "emphasis"(in all honesty you just wanted another ten words there, but whatever works for you my brilliant teacher).

Then you begin to edit the mess. Every third word seems to be in the incorrect tense and the there/their/they're's are all screwed up. So avoiding the issue for the moment you choose to write the conclusion you never bothered to write... and by some golden magic luck it comes out to way more words than you needed before your sentence re-phrasings. Oh wait. Now you need to cut out words so you're not 500 words OVER the word limit, lovely. So not wanting to actually reread your spastic essay you cut out a couple paragraphs here and there. The word count is back in the parameters and you sigh back into the back of your office rolly chair in relief.

And now to that editing process you just avoided... Clicking the spell check button you agree with everything it pops up with not noticing that it changed your name, your citations of the sources, and the quotes. But yeah you never noticed such a happening -even though it was right in front of your witty brilliant face-.

Now you my friend hit print and use the stapler. After digging around the house to FIND the stapler, you shove the top left corner of your essay into the stapling part. Raising your hand to hovering tentatively over the mechanical engineering marvel, you suddenly WHACK the stapler with your pent up anger from spending the last 3 hours writing that annoying essay that wouldn't burn into a pile of ashes. Pulling the essay out of the contraption you look at the top left corner. There is no staple... You open up the marvel and stare at the spot where the staples should be-it's empty-. So you paper clip the pages together and head off to grab the hour and a half left of sleep before school.

RING RING RING RRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG!
....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Waking up you notice that you slept through your alarm and it is now an hour into the school day. Rushing through your morning routine but not skimping on the eyeliner and mascara, you grab your paper and decide to grab the keys-and your lunch- and speed to school (hoping the police officer by the corner won't still be there THIS late---he isn't). You get to school and the new security officer your school just hired hands you a detention slip, lovely.

Hurrying off to the class which you wrote the essay for, you open the door. Pulling out the essay from your bag, you gently push the top left corner once again into a mechanical engineering marvel. Raising your hand ready for satisfaction, knowing that the class is thoroughly engrossed with your internal need to release steam. You start the decent to WHACKING the stapler hard. And an idiot comes out of no where and gently pushes the top down. Eyes widening from both you and the class watching you, you begin to glare intensely and the guy who had the audacity to take your sense of joy of banging the stapler away.

Taking a deep breath you throw your hideous essay into the basket and take your seat and proceed to drift in and out of consciousness.

4 comments:

Aishwarya Swan-Cullen said...

Lol this sounds like a pretty cool life to live, Keezie =) Of course, I'm known for actually sitting down, penning words and writing until my essay wayy exceeds the word limit and I seem to have lasso-d all the points.

Ha XD
Bing-freak!

Ash xx

Keeziegirl said...

lol the better half of that was complete fiction, little bits like the guy with the stapler at the end are true (I've never been handed a late slip--equivilant to detention).

Aishwarya Swan-Cullen said...

Cool, we have late slips here too =) I've never gotten into trouble for anything/// my angelic bff got in trouble for not labelling her tights in 3rd grade though.

I pity the people who flunk at school. I don't get it; why be bad when you can be good?!

Ash xx

Kindle said...

Ha! Geez I don't miss those days at all. I would always get lost somewhere in the middle and start throwing in random sentences like "Mr. Albert...are you really reading this? Cause I have the feeling you are just skimming and I would like to say that I'm a little insulted." Awe...The good 'ole days!

P.S. your new layout is awesome. Me likey!